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Eight Jobs Ken Kutaragi May Enjoy In Retirement

Labeled With  sony playstation 3
Written by DM, Gotti on Friday, May 04 2007

Like the rest of you, we were saddened and dismayed to hear that the legendary man who built the Playstation Empire over at Sony would be departing their hallowed halls. Our first thoughts turned to the Playstation program itself, and how it would be affected with Kenny K no longer there to contribute his invaluable advice and insight. Then, a non-selfish friend of ours asked, “you guys….. what about Kutaragi-san himself, what will he do now?” Instantly, we realize just how selfish we were indeed acting, and immediately set out to help KK find a new position in life that had the potential to be just as satisfying as his work at Sony. Here is what we came up with.

International Assassin

The mysterious man, known only as KK, could stalk the globe, tracking down his targets with Playstation 3-esque fervor. Of course, by PS3-fervor, we mean that KK would fly the world in first-class style all the way, promising at every stop to eliminate his target, but failing each time due to the actual reality of the situation being that he can only provide his clients with a selection of targets pre-determined by his parent corporation.
Another theory holds that Ken is, in actuality, Solid Snake, and this explains his former employer’s insistence on bringing up Metal Gear Solid 4 every time the honor of the console that KK created was impugned. Of course, this does mean that some of the higher ups at Sony would have to be privy to this knowledge, but KK keeps them in line with the threat of revealing that Blu-Ray and HD-DVD are, in reality, opposite sides of the same optical disc. Think about it, they are roughly the same age….


This plan of attack is fairly straightforward. Ken would open a website that specializes in pirate modchips for both the Nintendo Wii and the Xbox360. Due to his inability to affect the sales and success of these game platforms with his own competing game platform, he pulls the equivalent of a “nyah-nyah poo-poo,” and simply sells the means to play copied games. Of course, this is one of the more dangerous alternative jobs, since KK might end up imprisoned, and then no amount of clever sloganing or Spider-man fonting is going to save his USB port from being plugged in.

Head Victoria’s Secret Lingerie Model Hiring Officer

Seriously though, who in their right minds wouldn’t want this job, even if there was no salary? Even gay guys would lineup for this one, although not for the same reason (think “fabulous” clothes).

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